my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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