So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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