I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
