Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
