You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
