You can't special order awesome
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
