Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Randomize
