after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
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Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
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Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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