who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
