I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
As shirtless as possible
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
