Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
