She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
