I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
