Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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