Need sex. Gaining weight.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
