is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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