How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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