my mouth tastes like poor choices
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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