If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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