I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
