Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
