I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
