pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
