Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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