when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
