How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
