her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
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I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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