can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
