She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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