i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Who put my cat in the fridge?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
