Only a mothe r could love this liver
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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