My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
