Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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