So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
