No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
