Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
