She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
