If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
They took my balls.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
