how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
