bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
