It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
