if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
