he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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