I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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