i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
