Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
