it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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