the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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