My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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