If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
