I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
