I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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