My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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