The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
