He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
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I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
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Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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