it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
