Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
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The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
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I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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