Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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